


What Once Was and Might Have Been

by ActingItUp



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, M/M, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, im also very bad at tagging things im sorry, there's so much angst im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-15 06:59:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10552026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ActingItUp/pseuds/ActingItUp
Summary: I really hope you enjoy this! Chapters will be published every other week until completion (unless life gets in the way. I am a real person and do things sometimes). I will add more tags as the chapters progress. Possible triggers for specific chapters will be posted in the beginning notes for each chapter. Again, I apologize for the angst except maybe not really haha.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoy this! Chapters will be published every other week until completion (unless life gets in the way. I am a real person and do things sometimes). I will add more tags as the chapters progress. Possible triggers for specific chapters will be posted in the beginning notes for each chapter. Again, I apologize for the angst except maybe not really haha.

When Jack’s lips met Katherine’s, David’s heart stopped. It had stopped the first time he saw them kiss after the strike ended, and it stopped now as he sat across from them at Jacobi’s. Jack kissed her with that stupidly cocky and endearing grin on his face. Katherine was giggling, sharing a look with Jack, seemingly communicating with him in some secret language that Davey realized he would never share. He didn’t know what these feelings even were, but he knew that he didn’t want any part of them. Somehow he felt that they were dangerous, that they wouldn’t lead anywhere good, and the last thing he needed was to get into more trouble with Jack Kelly. Even if that’s all his heart wished for.

Les was sitting next to Davey, scarfing down a hotdog like he hadn’t eaten in a week. Normally, he’d be reminding Les to mind his manners, but right now he was thankful for the distraction of Les’ chewing—no matter how disgusting it was.

“Hey, Davey, can I get another one?”

“No, Les.”

“Aw, Dave, c’mon. We’s celebrating here ain’t we?” Jack’s eyes were on Davey as he laughed. Somehow, it made Davey feel worse.

“What exactly are we celebrating?” Davey rolled his eyes. Having heard Jack’s creative headlines day in and day out, Davey couldn’t wait to hear what Jack would come up with.

“The fact that you and Les is goin’ back to school!”

Davey blinked. When Jack had invited him and Les to dinner, he hadn’t realized that there was a reason for it. Sure, they didn’t eat at Jacobi’s often, but there was never a real need for a special occasion.

“Right,” Davey responded. It was Friday. On Monday, Mayer went back to work in the factory, which meant on Monday, both Jacobs boys went back to school. David had tried to keep the thought so far out of his head that he’d actually forgotten. He looked down at his plate. His own hotdog was only half eaten, but he’d lost his appetite. He’d told everyone he’d be going back to school. What he hadn’t told anyone was that his mother didn’t want them selling papers anymore.

 

“Ma, are you serious? You can’t be serious.”

“David, you’ve already been out of school for so long. You’re going to need to focus on getting caught up with the work.”

“But I can sell on the weekends! We could use the extra money-“

“And you could use the education!” The mother and son stared each other down. It had only been a few months, but David already couldn’t imagine his life without the newsies. Without Mush, Race, Crutchie, Blink, Skittery… Jack. Especially Jack. His whole life had changed the moment he’d shown up at the distribution center that day, and Jack was at the center of that change. He’d been pulled into a life of danger and risk and friendship and family. David had been lost before he’d joined the newsies. He couldn’t remember a time when he’d been truly happy before them. How could he just leave that happiness behind?

“Mom, please. I can’t just give it up. Not after everything we’ve done, everything we’ve worked for!” David pleaded. Jack’s smiling face flashed in his mind. It made his heart sink.

“David, I’m sorry. You can still visit them, but I don’t want you out on the street anymore. It’s dangerous and I can’t bear to think about you getting into any more trouble out there.” That was all Esther had to say on the subject and went back to cooking dinner, leaving David feeling numb, knowing that just “visiting” wouldn’t be enough.

 

“Jack, there’s something I really need to tell you.” Davey swallowed hard. Jack and Les were laughing at some joke Katherine had made. They all turned their attention to him.

“What’s a matter, Dave? You look-“

David cut him off. “Me and Les can’t sell papers anymore.”

The words were out of his mouth before he had time to think. _It’s like pulling a tooth_ , David tried to convince himself. Better to get it over with as quickly as possible.

They sat quietly for a moment, hardly daring to breathe.

“ _What?_ ” Jack asked the first to break the silence. He sounded like he thought Davey, who hadn’t looked up from his plate, was kidding. David didn’t want to see the look Jack was giving him. He was sure it would break his already aching heart.

“David, what are you talking about?” Les asked quietly. David glanced at his brother, sighing.

“I’m sorry, Les. I didn’t know how to tell you.” His eyes moved to Jack. That was a mistake. Just as Davey had thought, Jack was looking at him as if he’d just been punched in the stomach. To any passersby, nothing would seem wrong; but, David had known Jack long enough to notice the small twitch at the corner of his mouth and the pain in his eyes that let David know just how hard Jack was trying to keep it together.

“I’m sorry,” David whispered. “It’s just… my mom. She wants us to spend the weekends getting caught up with our schoolwork and she doesn’t think we should be wasting our time selling papers instead of focusing on our education. And she’s not entirely wrong…” As David explained, he saw Jack’s mood shift. Instead of pain in his eyes, it was anger. Suddenly, Jack laughed, taking Davey by surprise.

“Right, ‘course.” The smile didn’t leave Jack’s face, and it made David feel sick. “Don’t want you two throwin’ away that golden opportunity.”

Even though there was a knot in the pit of his stomach, Davey was grateful that at least Jack wasn’t making a scene, especially in front of Les. As much as he hated admitting it, his mother was right. They needed to go back to focusing on school. They were poor. If David had a chance to go on to actually _be_ somebody, he needed to take that chance, even if he had to give up a few friends here and there. He tried to take in the sight of Jack in this moment. Though he would do well to forget the anger that was radiating from Jack’s body, he didn’t ever want to miss an opportunity to commit Jack to memory.

His curly brown hair under the cap he hardly ever took off, the way his eyebrows were knit together, his deep brown eyes that never entirely hid what Jack was feeling, his usually full lips pursed together in a thin line, the way the muscles in his jaw were clenching and unclenching, his shoulders held back and his chest puffed out as if to challenge anyone around him to just try to start a fight… It was alarming for Davey to see Jack so angry, but the beautiful features Davey had admired on more than one occasion still made his heart skip a beat.

David sighed. Who was he trying to fool? There would never be anyone else like Jack Kelly.

Katherine glanced at Jack. Even she looked put off by the look on Jack’s face. He stood up, tossing some coins on the table to pay for their food. David made a mental note to pay him back.

“Jack…” Katherine warned, standing up as well. He didn’t even look at her, eyes still locked on David. Though he wanted to, David couldn’t look away.

“Guess I’ll be seeing ya, David.” Jack‘s voice was low and harsh, and the use of David’s real name rather than a nickname left David with a lump in his throat. He couldn’t make his voice work well enough to tell Jack that they’d still be selling through this weekend—one last time.

Jack left the restaurant without another word, Katherine trailing worriedly behind him. She threw an apologetic look back at David and Les before she, too, was gone.

Davey still felt like Jack’s eyes were on him, staring into his very soul and burning him. His face… David had never seen Jack look like that before. He’d caught a glimpse of something like it when Crutchie had been taken to the Refuge during the strike. Jack had fallen apart over it. It was like Jack’s heart had been broken. But maybe that was just wishful thinking on Davey’s part.

“Did mama really say we couldn’t be newsies anymore?”

Davey had been so caught up with his own thoughts he’d almost forgotten Les was still sitting beside him. He turned his attention to his younger brother, wincing as he noted the tears in Les’ eyes. David sighed.

“Let’s go home, Les.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said every 2 weeks I would publish a chapter lmao but I can't help it. I really wanted to post this one. So surprise!

“Jack!” Katherine jogged to keep up with Jack who was speeding ahead of her, practically running himself. “Jack, please! Just talk to me!”

He stopped abruptly, turning to face her. He looked absolutely terrified and possibly on the verge of tears. 

“What d’you expect me to say, huh!?” He all but shouted at her. It was getting hard to breathe and he felt like the city might come crashing down around him at any moment. He needed to get out, get away. Everything was suddenly too much. Something felt like it had broken and now nothing made sense. 

Katherine had finally caught up, but didn’t seem to want to actually be near him.

“You can’t just run away from him! Or me!” Katherine eyed him warily. Just because David had to go back to school didn’t mean they would never see each other again. It wasn’t the end of the world. 

Jack scoffed and turned away from her, but he didn’t continue walking. He turned his attention up to the sky. Normally, he found peace when he would lie on the roof of the lodging house staring at the stars, Davey next to him spouting off facts about space. But standing in the middle of the road with Katherine staring at him like he might be losing it… Rather than calming him, it only reminded him of the hole that was forming in his chest. He was thankful his back was to Katherine as the tears started to trail down his face. This was why he’d been trying to get away. The tears had been threatening to spill over since the words _‘can’t sell papers anymore’’_ had left David’s lips, and he didn’t want anyone to see him cry. Especially not David. 

“Jack.” Katherine’s voice came softer this time and he felt her hand on his shoulder. She was right. He couldn’t run from her. But he also couldn’t lie to her—or himself—anymore. He loved Katherine. He loved being around her. She was smart, beautiful, independent, and one of the few people who kept Jack in check. She was just as cocky as Jack could be, though she would adamantly disagree any time he said so. Holding her hand was nice and kissing her was nice, but not for the first time he realized just how different they were. 

She had every comfort in life; she had a promising career, a home, a family… Her father was Joseph Pulitzer for Christ’s sake! What did Jack have to offer her? He had no prospects, no home, no money; he was barely scraping by on his own. He’d been in and out of the Refuge, his father was in jail. He loved her, sure, but lately he wasn’t sure if it was the right kind of love he was feeling. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her any more than he already had.

Any of the boys at the lodging house would completely agree that Jack never exactly stuck around with one girl, and Jack couldn’t argue with that. Girls never held his attention for long, but he also had to admit that there were times when he’d been with… well, boys. He’d tried to convince himself that it was just a phase, just a way to tempt fate when he was feeling daring. Lately, though, those feelings that he’d tried so hard to bottle up and throw away had been bubbling up. _It’s wrong_ , he’d told himself over and over again.

But David Jacobs had walked into his life and changed everything completely. Everything Jack thought he knew was turned upside down the day David showed up at the distribution line complaining about being short a pape. The memory almost made him smile. They’d been through what seemed like an entire lifetime since then.

“Jack,” Katherine spoke again and it was then Jack realized she’d been standing in front of him. She had a timid smile on her face. Timid didn’t suit her. “Jack, please tell me what you’re thinking about.” Katherine was afraid what his response might be. She’d never seen him cry before. She knew he was a very emotional person under his tough guy exterior, but Jack Kelly crying? 

Jack scoffed, smiling nervously at her. He was trying to hold it together, but looking at her now, _really_ looking at her...

Jack loved her. He certainly loved her more than any other girl he’d ever known; however, he just couldn’t keep pretending that this was what he truly wanted. He wanted to be around her, he wanted to be her friend. But them as a couple… He’d been able to pretend that his secret feelings weren’t real. He’d been able to pretend that Katherine was who he was meant to be with, pretend that he wouldn’t get anyone better than her. But during the day when he and Davey were out selling… that was his happy place. That was where he felt like he could be himself. Jack could talk to Davey, laugh with him, open up to him in a way that he never could with Katherine. Though he’d denied it as long as he could, the break he felt in his chest let him know that he couldn’t pretend anymore. This one rift in their relationship had been the final straw for everything Jack had tried to keep hidden.

“Katherine, this…” Jack gestured to himself then to Katherine. He wasn’t looking her in the eye. He didn’t want to know what he would see there. “We need to stop this.” His voice was surprisingly steady as he spoke. He wiped at his face, glad to discover he had stopped crying. 

Katherine wasn’t sure she understood. “What are you talking about?” She smiled at him again. They’d been together for three months and she was sure it had been going well. It’d been a bit awkward at first, but she never thought… 

“We’re done, Katherine.” Jack was unusually cold. His eyes were distant. She’d never seen him look like that. Like all of the life had been drained out of him.

“Jack… Why are you doing this?” Katherine stood her ground. The question made Jack’s resolve falter slightly. He’d been trying to stay stoic and strong. Get it over with quickly. But Katherine was smart. He couldn’t lie to her without her figuring out the truth. 

“I… I can’t do it anymore.” That was certainly the truth. He was starting to fall apart again as he thought about David once more. He was losing his one piece of true happiness in him. David kept him sane most days. David was his best friend. And David was leaving the newsies behind. It was only a matter of time before they never saw each other again. David had his whole life ahead of him to go on and do great things, while Jack was stuck in this dump of a city. His heart sunk lower in his stomach.

“You… You l-love him.” 

He’d never heard Katherine so afraid to speak. It was almost comical, though instead of laughing, he rolled his eyes and scoffed. He played at nonchalant, but as the tears welled up in his eyes again, he knew Katherine would see right through him. 

“Jack, why didn’t… why didn’t you say something? Why did you let this,” she gestured between them as he’d done, “go on for so long?” There was anger in her voice now. Every word felt like a slap in the face. 

“I-I’m not… Th-this… It’s not–.” Jack stopped himself and took a breath. _Come on, Jack!_ Where was his brain? He never had a problem making up a headline, so why couldn’t he just tell Katherine some story? “You’re completely out of your mind!” 

“Jack Kelly, you tell me the truth right now!” He took an involuntary step backwards. Katherine could be very demanding-- and a little scary if he was being honest. This was already dragging on much longer than he wanted. He was itching to run– to run and run and never show his face around her again. 

Visions of Santa Fe were playing in his mind for the first time months. He sighed, thinking about what Davey would do. _What Davey would do_. He closed his eyes. Dave wasn’t… like him. 

“Look, he’s my best friend and he basically just told me we wouldn’t be seein’ each other anymore.” Though it sounded as though Jack and Davey were the ones breaking up, it was, again, the truth. Jack was finally getting his voice back. Without sparing too much time for thought, he spoke. “He’s going places in life. He’s going to get an education, do whatever he wants to. Probably become some famous big shot writer or somethin’ just like _you!_ ” Jack was getting angrier with every word. “So I figure this is going the same way.” He hoped his anger was enough to make him convincing. 

“I don’t see what David has to do with me and–” 

Jack cut her off in fear of her pulling the real truth out of him. “I’m not stupid. I know that you’s going places with or without me. I’d rather just stop this now before things go too far.” Cutting everyone off completely before they could truly leave him was the only way he knew how to do this. If he wasn’t attached, he couldn’t get hurt. Maybe it was an overreaction, maybe it wasn’t. All Jack knew was that he wanted to be as far away from Katherine, and David, and everyone else as he could. Maybe it’d be a good time to hop the train… 

Katherine stood staring at him in the cool autumn evening. Jack hated when she got that look in her eyes. The wind started to pick up, making him shiver, as if to accent Katherine’s glare. 

“I can’t believe you. All of that nonsense… it’s ridiculous. You may be able to fool yourself, Jack, but you can’t fool me.” 

Now it was Katherine’s turn to cry. The tears started streaming down her face and she sniffed. She looked furious, but just as broken as Jack felt. He mentally cursed himself. Why did this have to be so hard? He never wanted to make her cry, he never wanted her to get hurt because of him. This was the first girl he’d broken up with that he couldn’t use his charm on to deter the crying or the anger. 

“Katherine, I still want to be friends–” 

“Save it.” Katherine put up her hand, stopping him before he could even begin to attempt some form of damage control. “Until you’re ready to tell me the truth, you can go to Hell.” And with that, she turned, sniffling and walking away from him. 

Jack stood on the empty street, watching her go, half thinking about if her father might kill him and if it would be too late to go back to Davey and confess everything. As soon as he was sure Katherine would be far enough away, Jack screamed up at the sky. The noise echoed off the buildings, distorted and pained.

For the first time in a long time, he felt like he truly had nothing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed. I'm sorry for making everyone sad. It'll probably ACTUALLY be two weeks or so before I post the next chapter, but I hope it'll be worth the wait. Let me know what you think in the comments, leave kudos, and you can definitely message me on tumblr @acting-it-up as well!


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